Yes, it’s hard to believe that it has been over a year since I last posted to my blog. So much has happened since then!
I’m not sure why I took a long blog holiday. I kind of lost my way, my will, my voice. Part of my ongoing mid-life crisis, no doubt. Yes, big changes in the past 5 years – hard to believe it all. I would not have believed it, had I been told 10 years ago, what would happen (OK OK what I would do) and how it would all end up!
Do I lament the changes? Certainly I have melancholy times… often… but less often than a couple of years ago.
Was it all necessary? Regretfully, yes.
I am slowly coming to terms with who I have been, who I am, and who I’m supposed to be. Let me explain a bit.
I was always very insistent on being correct, being right all the time. Ever since I can remember. I’m not entirely sure why, but I was. Dave pointed this out to me, in not so subtle terms, when we were in university. I acknowledged it, grappled with it, but really didn’t address it. At times, I wasn’t a very nice person to be around.
While Eric was growing up, when Dayna and I were married, I struggled with this attitude. Amazingly, she put up with it, and loved me anyway. I mellowed in some ways, but under the surface, this need to be right, always was there. Fighting to be correct, never losing to technology, never losing to technical problems, never losing an argument… yikes.
Then came the big shakeup. I made big changes. Sandy loved me, and I was on top of the world. I mellowed and cooled. It was all going to be OK.
But then I had to face the changes I had made. The mess that I had made. It rocked me to the core of my being. I wanted to be with Sandy so much, but I had hurt Dayna and Eric so badly… how could I? I struggled, and tried to work things out… but the decision was kind of made for me. I would be alone.
Not entirely made for me, mind you. There were key points where I could have changed the story. But for whatever reason, at the time, I decided not to. Goof ball… oh well, that’s where I was at.
Then came the cold, hard winter of 2012/2013. Unemployed & homeless for the first time in my adult life, and relationship-less for the first time in over 25 years, I had to face my situation and the core of my own soul. I tried and tried to work things out, but every attempt failed.
I was, of course, not out on the street – I lived with my mother for a few months (thank you, mom!). I took money out of my RRSP and got a nice apartment downtown (thanks for Wayne Doherty’s brother Jeff). Then pursued employment. Eventually I was able to get a term position with ERLPhase (thank you, Krish!). In that position, I was able to travel to India and make some wonderful new friends. Then, just as the term was set to expire and be renewed, Jim Blake of Alstom Grid DIT in Phoenix Arizona, offered me a job there, with relocation. A chance to get away! I took it, zoom, zoom! And warm winters, to boot, ah yes (warm summers too, but more about that another time).
I’ve had a few short relationships in the time that I’ve been in Phoenix. But somehow I haven’t been satisfied, haven’t been motivated, haven’t been enthused. That’s all on me. So I needed time to think. That’s what I’ve always needed. And now, that’s what I’ve got.
I’ve connected with a church in Phoenix, Mission Bell United Methodist church, over in north Glendale. I joined as a member last fall. It’s very nice. Not without its challenges (a church isn’t a church without challenges, it seems), but great people and a very comforting atmosphere.
I’ve stuck with my 12 step program, Emotions Anonymous. I have not been all that good at progressing in the steps, but I am working on them. It’s not the destination, but the journey, that defines us, after all.
And now I am finally coming to grips with my attitude towards success, and having to be perfect, be right all the time. Accepting the grace of God that the church reminds me of. Accepting where I am, the situation that I’m in.
It’s a journey, all right. And it’s not over. I have much more to learn. More mellowing to do. More about myself to understand. But I’m making progress.
So, what do I regret? Only the pain that my challenges, my journey, my troubles have inflicted on others. Interestingly enough, the amends that I have to do as part of the 12 step program, are intended to assist in finding release from this. Perhaps soon…
I will start up entries into this blog again. In fact, right now I’m in Lyon, France, on a business trip… wow what a place. Never heard so much French spoken in one day (ha ha, I’m in France 🙂 ). Much to write about, just about this trip. Oh yes, and the bomb squad being called to deal with my CPAP machine that I accidentally left lying around at the airport, yikes!! And about the desert in bloom. And so much more. Watch this space.